Dear ALEXIS, I am a 35-year old heterosexual man. I'm married to a woman for 9 years and we have 2 children. I'm feeling like I want to mix it up with my wife. Our sex life has become so ordinary. She's incredibly conservative and nonchalant. I want more. I've been looking at porn since before we married. For the past two years the only porn that excites me is male-male porn and hard core BDSM. Both are incredibly erotic to me! I can't tell you the amount of time I've spent when she's not home masturbating and browsing those websites . I think that proclivity stemmed from a short term sexual encounter I had 15 years ago with a man who was twice my age. . My question is in two parts. First, how can I introduce BDSM to my conservative wife? It's sooooooooooo erotic and I know it would sprinkle some life in our relationship. I would even be willing to be the submissive one in that scenario! Second, should I tell her about the porn that I watch? Especially the male-male part? I'm afraid if I show her there will be questions of my sexuality and parts of my past I haven't disclosed to her. Help me ALEXIS! Spice Guy
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Dear Spice Guy You are all over the place. First you're talking about your sexuality then you're talking how your wife is conservative. What is important now? Your relationship with you wife or your relationship with yourself? Start by reviewing your relationship with yourself -- THAT IS YOUR FOUNDATION. Find your authentic place to be BEFORE speaking to your wife. My challenge (action steps) to you is to TALK TO YOUR WIFE! YES talk to your wife directly! This beating around the bush crap ain’t cutting it! Go for it! Don't set aside "special" time to talk or preface the statement by saying "I have something to tell you." Just freakin SAY IT! It's been my experience that people say too much superfluous info BEFORE stating what they really wanted to talk about. It negates that important part. You can start with "I love you" and "I care about our relationship" but DON'T say the word BUT! Say something like "I love you and I'd like us to explore more in our love-making." Notice the AND in there. And is the most important conjunction in the English language. It’s inclusive rather than divisive. By the way, I thought it was interesting you specified that you are hetero. Who are you trying to convince? Me or You? I also feel your suffering from a form of PTSD from that "short-term" liaison. That older man had power over you and wielded it like a weapon. It was strictly for his own sexual pleasure. The fact is you're still reeling from it 15 years later! Please send your personal contact information to me. I will forward it to a PTSD specialist I know. ALEXIS
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Who is Alexis?
Will This Hurt?
When I was 19 years old I had sex with a 34 year old man who was uncircumcised. Although I wasn’t a virgin and I was familiar with what circumcision was, it was still a shocker. At this point in my life I felt was a “woman” of the world. Imagine it was the 1980s in New York City; I was in college, worked 4 days a week, and I had my own apartment with roommates. I figured I knew EVERYTHING.
But when I saw his penis, I giggled, pointed at it (two things you shouldn’t do in bed) and exclaimed, “What is wrong with your dick?” Firsts can be disconcerting and jarring and exhilarating. How were you your first time with a fetish? BDSM? Threesome? Watching an adult film or browsing for “gang bang?” Did you want a gentle partner or mentor to facilitate? Did you have questions before, during, and afterward? Did you stumble with that dominant partner or quiver and fade?
Google and Wikipedia has given us knowledge so we don’t feel silly but not made us savvy. When you’re savvy, you are powerful and fulfilled.
I’m ALEXIS, your personal fetish coach. I’m a certified coach who will guide you through your exploits, adventures, dreams, proclivities, and – most importantly – queries. No I’m NOT a vanilla coach by day then at night I am a sex coach. My coaching practice is dedicated to individuals who want to reclaim, celebrate, and uncover their sexuality as they regain their power. In this monthly Q&A, you can ask those questions you’re fearful of or have trepidation to repeat above a whisper. You can ask me those hard questions too (no pun intended!). I will share my expert advice with you. No judgment or laughing is allowed, unless …
A few things to know: coaching is NOT therapy. Therapy helps you review the past; coaching helps you create a new future. The coaching process creates opportunities for you to own your life powerfully through choice. Don’t look for “fixes” or a band-aid – you won’t get them from me! With coaching comes strict confidentiality, professionalism, and (remember) no judgment. So hit me with all you’ve got! Yes I will enjoy it! I hope you will too.
And that really all that matters. Isn’t it??
ASK Alexis sex and proclivity coach/ CPC
Kink Entertainment Publications, LLC
Kink~E Magazine, LLC
Email: askalexis@kinkemagazine.com
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